Slow Playback
The day before yesterday, I drank a little too much, so I had a bit of a hangover yesterday morning. It seems like I'm drinking more, and I feel like my alcohol tolerance is increasing along with it. After doing my morning routine, I had to write (the piece about Princess Mako) because I had committed to it, and I was planning to go out since it was a day off, but I still felt quite fuzzy-headed. Thinking this was not good, I spent the time cleaning and decluttering until my children came home.
Alcohol seems to wash away your consciousness and senses. It degrades your senses, thoughts, and emotions. The effect you get from it, I think, is "the passage of time". When you drink, there's a feeling that life is being fast-forwarded. It's like fast-forwarding a movie by skipping frames. There's a lot of information, so in my case, it tends to make my head a mess.
So maybe there was a feeling of disappointment in the fact that I was fast-forwarding my precious day off. Even though it was a fun time.
On the other hand, I often feel a need for alcohol in my daily life. There's a lot of "I can't do this without a drink" feeling. Reflecting on this when I have time, I think it's probably because the tension around work becomes intense, and I want to fast-forward as much of the time I spend under pressure as possible.
If my days could end with programming or similar tasks, I think there would be no problem, and the feeling of accomplishment would likely outweigh the pressure. Moreover, when doing such tasks, I don't need to worry about time. Unfortunately, my working hours are filled with meetings, and I'm talking all the time. I'm inherently poor at social communication and have acquired the skill of conversing with people postnatally, so such daily work drains my "mental points" (MP) severely. When the day's meetings are over, I don't have any MP left to cast a healing spell on myself. I've chosen a challenging job, but it seems like a kind of destiny, so I can't help it. I am determined to return to being a mere programmer after my 60s.
Because I usually drink with such motivation, when I finally have a day off and time to reflect on myself, I suddenly lose the mood to drink, like today. I don't think I'll drink today. I feel like I don't need it. This makes me think that I'm not an alcoholic yet.
After all, alcohol is a form of "fast-forwarding" and doesn't essentially contribute to MP recovery. There are various other acts that feel like "fast-forwarding," such as binge eating, constantly looking at social media, and endlessly talking in meetings.
On the other hand, the cleaning I was doing yesterday instead of drinking I consider a meditative task that fully restores MP. My friend, the monk Shokei Matsumoto, has also made cleaning a meditative event for everyone. I think there's something to be said about mindlessly creating a comfortable environment, getting feedback from the improved surroundings, and purifying your mind.
Just Right" Morning Cleaning for a Well-Tempered Mind (Japanse articles)
After all, allowing your body to do something and emptying your mind contributes to the recovery of MP. As often mentioned, the sauna has its effects on the autonomic nervous system, but the sensation of heat and cold also provides a benefit of not having to think about anything unnecessary. In my case, doing dishes has a significant effect in terms of not having to think about anything extra. Also, specific to my experience, assembling Lego or plastic models (I don't want to think, so I follow the instructions), or writing programs according to the specification, contributes to recovery. Surprisingly, even rolling dice in a casino can be restorative. Such acts may feel like "slow playback" of life, whether or not they make the passage of time feel quicker, because you're not doing something just to pass the time.
The writings that I have been doing every day until now have been somewhat "fast-forwarded," as they were quickly written in the extension of days filled with work. But on the sixth day off, I finally feel like I can objectively perceive that sensation, symbolized by the loss of my desire to drink. Today, I won't look at online articles or social media either. I can return to this state when I take a long break, but I suspect that once work resumes, I'll quickly return to the fast-forwarded state. Since I'm in Japan and have the opportunity, I think I'll go to an owl cafe.